BUT WHY??

I feel as a parent you are supposed to go above and beyond for your children. I can not say I'm the best mom ever but i do my best... and i do a damn good job if you ask me. ive just been feeling a little down lately though. Why you ask??
I am forced to raise my daughter alone for the next 8 years. her father was incarcerated in January of 2011 and i am doing his job and mine. I cant call child support because he is gone. the state wont help me with shit because i supposedly make too much. but they will give the hoodrat next door a life time supply of food stamps.
it breaks my heart when she wants to see him.she is in love with her daddy. i don't even wanna take her to the prison because she might take it hard once she finds out she is unable to take him with her.  she did nothing to deserve her little heart to be broken. she did nothing to deserve any of this. but because of his bad decisions she has to suffer. I always thought children had it so good.... until my daughter asks today if she can see her daddy. I said not today and tears came to her eyes and she asked "BUT WHY?" ...... what the fuck am  i supposed to say?
i wish i  could buy her a new dad. i wish i could fill that emptiness that she is feeling in her little heart. Why are people so damn dumb??

my momma

Why is my mama just like madea?? Who the hell call Alzheimer's old timers???? I told her i got a red rinse in my hair and she asked me what color did i wrench it. huh mama?

i watched my mother grow into being motherly though. My mother was always in the house but my grandma lived with us from start to finish.  My grandma cooked, cleaned, ironed, and everything else a mother is supposed to do. my mother was more like a sister. She also depended on her mother (our grandma) to do things for her.

it wasn't until February 12, 2002 that she became a full time mother. That was the day that our grandma died. I watched my mommy transform.  I watched her comfort her children, who loved her mother just as much as she did grieve in pain. She held us all and told us it will be Okay. Kisses on the forehead, unlimited hugs, the i love yous, and support all came pouring in from her. It felt so good.

She has her ups and downs, but to me she is wayyyy better than she used to be. i talk to her at least 2-3 times a day. I don't get to see her often because I now live across the state. The way she calls me though i don't feel like I'm missing shit. she makes sure i know all the family's gossip. She treats my daughter like a princess. I love it.

my mommy is one of  the coolest, most funniest, and craziest people you will ever meet. She is every ones favorite aunt, sister, cousin, and most importantly shes my mommy. She loves to make people laugh and has always been a happy person. She called me the other day and said "bitch guess what"? lmao. <----- i was cracking up. yup... my sister put her up to that shit.

There are bad things that i wish i could have changed growing up, but im not looking back. im only looking forward. I love the mother that she has become and i thank god everyday for answering my prayers. I often wonder if this was the reason my grandma left us so soon. So that my mommy can now take on the responsibility that was always hers.

To My Little Brother JOSHUA

It was me who cared when mother was not there
hell even when she was there i still cared
it was me who told u to hold your head high
your a man, whom is human, so don't be afraid to cry
you have always been my baby.
and i am proud of your every accomplishment
to say you  mean the world to me would be an understatement
I feel so old as Ive watched how u have grown into a handsome young man
i make sure u  need or want for nothing, i give u everything that i can.

Little brother, i can never teach u how to be a man.
I can only give u examples and tell u to be all that u can be
and to never give up, because quitting is not an option to me
u see,
u mean the world to me, and i would never let anyone hurt you
I  wish a bitch would try it, call yo big sis and ill be on my way to you.
We know what struggling is, and all the tricks to survival too
when our mother was unable to provide for us, i taught u what i knew.

little brother it is you whom i love. I will never regret anything Ive done for you.
you are and always will be my baby, and if i had to give up my dreams for you.....
you can have them. Because you doing good things with your life  to me is a dream come true!

I LOVE U LITTLE BROTHER

lil girlz these days

 

Ever watch Maury and see those little girls on there that are 13 and 14 talm bout they want a baby???? Blank stare-- I ve been wanting to write Maury and ask if i can come on the show, just put my foot in their ass. I don't like most preteen girls because i always end up wanting to do a finishing move on they ass. They talk too damn much. Boys aren't as bad. Shit really the only thing the boys wanna do is play video games and shit.

That brings me to my lil cousin. This lil bitch is 13, and then already had 2 STDS. WTF. I wasn't even having sex at that age. My aunt lets this lil girl dress how she wants. She "claims" shes spending the night at her grandmas. I don't buy that shit though. Her mama does. what little 13 year old you know with a belly ring and a tattoo on their stomach????? I cant even say shit fareal because her mama obviously does not give a fuck. However, every time im down in Detroit im getting in that ass. She hates me im sure. I guess im ignorant cause i love that she hate me. I ain't gon lie she has a body like a video girl but shes 13. If tootz had a body like she would still be dressed up like a little girl with beads in her fucking head. all her cloths would be one size bigger so they didn't squeeze her.

oh, and did i mention that she was messing around with older dudes twice her age??? fucking one of my older cousins friends...this nigga is older than me. The last time i was down there she slipped and said my sisters boyfriend is fine. This lil girl got gutz saying some shit like that -------> no she don't. I cussed her the fuck out and made her cry.

what is wrong with kids. my mother didn't play that shit. She was crazy and i was scared of the woman. 5 foot and all 140 pounds of her lil ass had me shook. I think u should be able to cut a look at your children and make their ass sit wherever the hell they are standing. I love my baby and her being a  failure is not an option. She is never gonna need shit from anyone especially a man.



how can u not be scared??



I Love my Daddy

Growing up i never knew my father. I  always knew of him, I used to spend numerous weekends with his parents. My grandparents never talked about him. I would always hear i looked like him. I used to be sad when my brothers and sisters would go with their dads. I was the only one at home with my mom. Who the hell wants to sit at home? I was 16 when i finally met him and it was love at first sight. i fell in love with my dad. my dad became my best friend and i never held him not being in my life against him. I used to always have dreams of one day going on the Maury show and meeting him. I did however blame my mom. She used to tell me all kinds of horrible stories. she even took it as far as telling me when she was pregnant he tried to kill her. My mom wanted me to hate  my dad because she hated him. I love my mom but that was wrong.

i had met my sister Karen a few weeks before meeting my dad and we were instantly best friends. We talked everyday and still talk. We took the bus ride together. I was a nervous wreck. all kinds of thoughts ran through my head. What will he look like? How is his personality? What will i say to him? The bus ride was 3 hours long. the whole time i worried while my sister slept. She had already knew him after all, her mother and our dad was pregnant and married when my mom got pregnant with me. So she didn't understand. she slept the whole ride, while i sat up and pondered.

we pulled into the garage where the buses were and there he stood. I could spot him out from a big crowd. He looked just like me except he had blue eyes. He was everything i imagined him to be..... he was my daddy. He was the man that i had wanted in my life the most. He is that man that i used to ask god to send to me when i was a child.

Me, Daddy, and Karen.....July 15th 2003

We talked and talked once we got to his house. Me and my sister stayed for a week and finally we went home. we kept in contact and i made another in December during winter break. He asked me to stay because i wasn't doing to good in school. He asked me to stay because he wanted me to do better... I think he wanted to make up for the lost time too.

my dad is my first man... he's everything i want my husband to be. he has never lied to me and will never put his hands on me. i can tell him anything and will not be judged. god made him for me...........Thankyou god!